The process of converting back to Christianity from being a pagan, is often a slow and tedious one. Fortunately, I’ve had the help from a few friends, to guide me along the way. There’s my friend Joy, who converted back to Christianity about the same time I did. There’s Jen, who converted awhile back now, and whose experiences I’ve quietly learned from through her journal. And about a month after my conversion, the Lord saw fit to send me a good man to chat with, whom we’ll call Larry, who is smart, handsome, funny, and a very devout Catholic, besides being sexy as hell. They’ve all played a big part in pointing out potential stumbling blocks in my path.

Regardless, there are still some decisions that one must make on their own. There’s a lot of purging that goes on during the conversion process, and you have to make the decisions on what to keep, what to give away, and what to toss into the fire. Can you say, “Do these fairy wings make me look too fat too pagan?” Sure, I knew you could.

Take books, for example. Boy, do pagans love to collect books. Deciding which ones to keep is a bit like going through your clothes during spring cleaning. Does this “fit” anymore? does it have sentimental value? Have I even looked at it in the past year? Most of them, just didn’t fit anymore, so I found homes for them. A buck a book - quite a few people took me up on the offer, and the couple of dozen or so I had left over, I gave to my “other daughter” - one of my daughter’s friends who was pagan - with my own little comments written in them. “This one is a piece of shit, read for entertainment purposes only.” “This author is pretty good, but check sources.”

But there are somethings which are not things, but practices, and which take a bit more thought in deciding whether or not to keep them. It’s like putting them on a scale - just where IS that line that seperates a thing from being a “pagan practice” as opposed to “folkloric practice” or “traditional” or “human.”

For instance: Is reading erotica permitted? What about Beltaine? Can I still celebrate May Day without putting my soul in jeopardy? How about masterbation, is that still allowed? If not and I’ll go blind, can I do it until I need glasses?

Do I have to reign back my men in kilts fetish? oh Lord, and what about all this kinky BDSM stuff. Am I not allowed to spank anyone/ be spanked anymore?

And what about my beliefs? What happened to all those “gods” once I decided one God is good enough? Did they just up and disappear? did they ever really exist to begin with, or was it all just a figment of my imagination?

It’s like I’m being constantly bombarded with questions. If you’re wondering, no, I haven’t figured it all out yet, I haven’t found all the answers. It’s like I’m trying to find solid footing on shifting sands, and my friends wonder why I’m so sensitive all the time.

Sheesh. Cut a converting chicka some slack, will ya? I’m PROCESSING over here!

And it’s going to take some time because, you know, I’m old. I’m forty six years old. It’s a long time since I went to Sunday School, a long time since confirmation classes. I’ve forgotten a lot about what it means to be Christian. And it’s not like there isn’t a huge disparity in what Christians believe anyway - all the way from the very liberal to the very conservative.

In many ways, that’s what attracts me to Catholicism. It’s very much black and white: this is what Catholics believe, this is what unifies them, this is what identifies them as Catholic. Well, it’s not quite that distinct, if you look close enough, you do see quite a bit of grey in there. Still. To be honest, there just aren’t that many Christian denominations anymore that have such a firm sense of identity.

While I did attend mass quite a bit growing up, I did not attend the catechism classes my friend Siggy did. So while I may be able to say that I react - positively, on an emotional level- to the ritual of mass, I didn’t know jack shit about what was going on behind the scenes or what being a Catholic really means.

So what did I do? well, I went out and bought a book, of course.

Catholicism for Dummies, by John Trigilio and Kenneth Brighenti , two priests from EWTN, and boy was that book ever written for ME, because am I ever a dummy when it comes to Catholicism. I’m learning, though. The book addresses a lot of the sticky questions revolving around Catholicism, too, such as - why does the Church take such a strong stance against abortion? against divorce? Why can’t there ever be female priests? I may not be to the point of agreeing wholeheartedly with the answers at this point, but you know, I can understand their arguments a lot clearer now.

But it’s not just friends, or books, or the Church, for that matter, that will lead me along the way. It takes a leap of faith, where the Princess Bride jumps out of the tower, secure in her knowledge that the Giant will catch her and keep her from smashing to the ground.

I’ve been asked to jump.

As. You. Wish.