Current Mood:
Sad
…. and sinned, and sinned, and sinned some more. Ya’ll just don’t know how good I am at sinning. Not yet, anyway.
Today has been a bad, bad day, a very emotionally draining day, and it’s all Dennis’ fault.
Dennis is my anam cara
After Dennis got my email announcement about my new weblog, he decided it’d be a good idea to call me yesterday and check up on me, making sure I thought I was doing The Right Thang, and to cackle over the prospect of me going to confession, since he knows everything about me. Something which, if it was someone else with my background, I’d find quite amusing, too, but since it’s ME we’re talking about, I’m near bout terrified.
See, I know what you’re thinking, ahhh priests they’ve heard it all before, but I can guarantee you that NO, they have NOT. You want to know who really hears it all? Mistresses, do. I know for a fact, some of my paramours have told me things they wouldn’t dare tell a priest, they haven’t told a priest, nor will they ever tell a priest. They sure told me, though.
And Lawd, Sweet Jesus, do I have some nasty stuff to confess. I hope I can find a priest with a healthy heart. It’s a good thing I know CPR.
So I was thinking about that today, thinking about allllll the sinning I’ve done that ‘m going to have to fess up to, and I remembered the last time I had sex. No, wait, I can’t really qualify it as “sex.” Let’s just consider it a “sexual encounter of the impersonal kind.” But even that description is too generous.
It was with Married Man #2, someone whom I’d been seeing for almost five years. Someone whom I thought cared for me, and believed when he told me he loved me. But that day he called me in pure hysterics. Seemed his girlfriend, the “other woman” whom he had been seeing on the sly for the past SIX years, found out about ME, and was blackmailing him. Blackmailing him, threatening to call his wife, and demanding he get an HIV test. He truly was in hysterics, I feared he was going to go home and put a bullet through his head. Despite that I was reeling from the news that he had another girlfriend that I didn’t know about (and it was the not knowing part that bothered me more than anything, as I considered myself polyamorous at the time) - I agreed to meet with him at a drug store to pick up an HIV test and run it for him.
We met there, and he gave me money to go buy the test; I went in and looked at it, and realized it was one we would have to send out. They didn’t sell the immediate results kind. So I went back and told him, we decided to go back to my house to do some research on the computer to figure out where we could go to get a test done anonymously, and get the test results right away.
And while I was looking on the computer, he unzipped his pants, and asked me to blow him while he looked at porn on the internet.
I was just so stunned at the request, and so discombobulated from how he was acting and the “news” - anyway - that I did. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I did.
That day, was the last time I saw him, and the last time I’ve ever had any kind of “sex.”
So, yeah, that’s what I was thinking of today, and that’s what got me all emotional. I think I’ve blocked a lot of it, today I couldn’t.
Today. It. Hurt.
I felt like the whore of Babylon that day, and not in a good, roleplaying way, but in a I’m-not-a-good-person-and-I-don’t-deserve-to-be-treated-any-better, kinda way.
Many people would say to me, well it was nothing less than you deserved, sleeping with another woman’s husband, and they would be right.
I can only hope that one day I can be forgiven for it, and one day, I can forgive myself.
*HUG*
No, they would NOT be right. You did NOT deserve that. You never deserved that. He claimed to care about you, and if he did he NEVER would have asked you to do something like that. Someone who truly cared about you would have valued you and held you close to their heart, would have told you everything and made you feel loved and cared for and special.
And that, truly, is what you deserve.
I hope you find it, and I hope you can forgive yourself. Because you are a wonderful person who *deserves* to be cherished.
thanks, hon *hugs*
He’s an asshole, hon, a user. Pure and simple. You reacted out of shock and were probably feeling pretty damned numb.
yeah - been numb for awhile. Not anymore, tho. :/
*hugs you* i wouldnt call it your fault at all. we ALL sin, if you agree with the word meaning “to miss the mark”. we all fall short of perfection, sometimes we do some SPECTACULAR falls (and yeah, thinking of my own here!) and sometimes we miss by just a tiny little bit.
its all forgivable. he’s an asshole, and if he’s the one whose presence is keeping you from attending the church you want? go, hold your head up high, and know that while you may have sinned….you are the one who is actually repenting of it, and dont intend to do it again. *hugs you again*
no, that would be MM#1 - the one who dumped me two days after my dad died.
*hugs* thanks for your kind words hon
Same answer then. Another asshole. Hold your head up and go to the church you are drawn to. HE is the one who cheated on his wife. YOU have turned things around and found a place you feel comfortable. Think of it this way, perhaps your presence will help him repent of his sin?
I imagine by now he’s already confessed me.
My not going to his church has more to do with me having a difficult time being able to look his wife in the eye, than in anyway trying to make HIM more comfortable by me going to another church.
I agree with this wholeheartedly. I was terrified of being called a murderer since I’ve had an abortion, but it didn’t happen.
You may have sinned, but there is *NO* sin that cannot be forgiven, if you are repentant. No sin.
well I’m certainly repentant. It’s the forgiving myself part that’ll be difficult.
I had been wondering how you were going to deal with the concept of sin and your…proclivities. I won’t pretend to understand how to deal with the new “sinner” feeling, but it can’t be easy.
Anyway…God wouldn’t have invented such wonderful sexual activities if they weren’t meant to be done, right? Ok…the pagan whore will shut up now.
oh I’ll have lots to say about my “proclivities” (great way to put it, btw!) and trying to figure out what I can do and not do anymore!
I don’t think sex is bad at all. I absolutely LOVE sex. I think it’s the second most precious gift God gave us, right there after life. I also think it’s extremely powerful, and should be handled with care.
I agree with all of that. I’d be personally uncomfortable with some of your past activities, but its because I’m not wired that way. You are. And as a bi-sexual friend of mine would tell you, ‘God made you this way. You think God makes mistakes?’
The kinky stuff I believe I’m hard wired for, yes. But ya know, even then, there’s appropriate and inappropriate times/places/people for those activities.
Hon, this is going to sound like it’s coming really out of left field, but I need you to trust the gut nurtured on twelve years of Catholic school.
You need some time with St. Francis of Assisi.
No, I don’t think that you need to forsake your worldly possessions. I just think some time learning about him in a more deep and detailed way and spending some time praying for his intercession might do you some good.
Isn’t he responsible for the Serenity Prayer?
I’ll look into him, thanks
I know he was a good friend to you over the 6 years you were seeing each other, and I know that he did show you love in his own little warped way. But, after all is said and done, he really blew it treating you that way on that last day. I think it really speaks to how, ultimately, he is a selfish person, and it’s all about him. He was supposed to know you so well, and respect you for the amazing woman you are. It’s so perplexing that he would then treat you like that. I know you miss him, but personally, I’m glad he’s gone.
Confessing sin to a priest that didn’t die for me is probably my biggest hang up with the Catholic faith. Hubby and I argue about this all the time. I feel Jesus became that ultimate ‘priest’ for all of mankind when he died and conquered death. I don’t feel a priest, no matter how educated and/or called to his mission he may be, has any right or authority to judge my sin and tell me how to cleanse my soul. He’s still a mere man, and sins just like I do.
I’m probably best described as a semi-agnostic pagan, so take this with a grain of salt, Kynder…but I think the purpose of confession for a lot of Catholics comes closer to how it’s used in 12-step programs. That making an inventory of your “sins” and revealing them to another makes you more aware of them, and helps you in walking the path you’re committed to. It isnt so much that the priest “forgives” you as it is that he helps you to forgive yourself. If I understand Christianity, your God has already forgiven you.
most of it is due to his sexual addiction. He literally, couldn’t help himself, but I still don’t need to be putting myself in a position of being used for his own addiction. Not only is that enabling his problems, it’s making me feel like crap.
Your reaction to the priestly role is pretty common for Protestants.
In Catholic view however, the priest is not the judge and jury of a confession; absolution is almost automatic, and is only withheld if they feel you are not truly repentant. I’ve not gone to confession before (or “reconcilliation” as it is often called now), but from what I understand, it is very healing to hear the words that your sins have been absolved.
i’ve spent the afternoon reading your blogs here and there. I originally ran up on the first one way back on a pagan site I was visiting. After following links, I was surprised to find that you’ve converted. And even more surprised to find that we really do have a lot in common! I am a nurse also. And I had the MM thing going for awhile (4 years) and was dropped like a hot potato when wifey found out. I really thought he loved me too. He is Catholic.. and so, I suppose he must have had the fun of reconciliation … My vindication came when she divorced him. But the hurt stayed on for several years. Anyway.. I started reading your blogs because you live close by and I thought I might be able to learn some things from you as I have begun new ventures in my life. Nice to meet you. Nita
Nita! thank you for your kind comments. I’m glad you found some worth in my little scribblings. Nice to meet you as well
Ten bucks says he is back with his girlfriend.