I’ll say a little prayer for you….

It’s all Stewart’s fault.

Of all the married men I’ve been involved with, he’s the one I worried about the most. Part of his job involved going over to “the sandbox” - i.e., the Middle East, on a routine basis. While he was gone, it was rare indeed for me to hear from him. They just don’t have that many internet cafes in Afghanistan.

Anyone who knows me, know how I worry. If I care about you, I’m going to worry about you - that’s just how it is. I talked with Stewart for two years online before I met him; even then, I still worried about him while he was gone.

And me worrying about him, used to drive him absolutely batshit. “Don’t worry about me! I can take care of myself!” Well I knew he could take care of himself; I knew he wouldn’t be taking any stupid chances; it was the pure chaos of war that I worried about.

What do pagans do when they’re worried about the safety of someone? that’s right. They drum out ye ol protection spells. One problem there, tho. Stewart was Catholic, or at least I thought so. We really never discussed it; however, I did see a picture of him holding a small gold statue of the Virgin Mary at a market, thinking about buying it. A Protestant never would have even picked her up.

So in my crooked way of thinking, no pagan spell would help. If I wanted to do something besides worry all the time, do something pro-active, I’d have to venture back over to the Christian pantheon and enlist their help. Besides, I figured St. Michael would know the terrain in the Middle East a bit better than my Celtic gods and goddesses.

And so, I made a pilgrimage to the Albertson’s, Mexican food aisle, and bought a few St. Michael candles. While he was overseas, I’d get up in the morning and light the candle, until it was time for me to go. Must’ve worked - as far as I know, he’s still kicking ass and taking names.

I don’t do it anymore. After he moved overseas, contact with him pretty much slowed to a halt. His wife can light candles for him now. Who knows, though? Maybe lighting those candles to St. Michael opened a door for me. A door leading back to Christianity.

I still light candles for others, however. And for myself.

When I showed Larry a photo of the candles I had burning in my fireplace, he asked me why - that was such an old-fashioned thing to do! Only the old-school Catholics did that anymore! And I told him - when I was a home health nurse, I used to visit quite a few Mexican immigrant homes. Some of them had altars. If momma had died, the altar would take up half the room! And always, always, there were candles burning. I guess some of that rubbed off on me.

I also tend the flame still for Brigid - although it’s in her Saintly form now that I do so, not her Goddess form.

To me, lighting prayer or devotional candles brings a moment of peace, and instills a sense of serenity throughout my home. It also helps to alleviate some of the worry that I’m prone to. I worry about my daughter, who’s finishing up in college. I worry about Larry, who loves to go traipsing about in the jungle. And I worry about myself, as I make my journey back home.

Larry’s told me he worries about me, too - that it’s a different type of jungle I have to go through, and that it terrifies him. I have to admit, it feels nice to have someone worry about me, for a change. And although he’s never told me as such, I know he says prayers for me, too. I can feel it in mah bones.

cross

This entry was posted on Wednesday, April 30th, 2008 at 4:42 pm and is filed under Changing Water Into Wine. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

16 Comments

  • At 2008.04.30 17:15, JanieNo Gravatar said:

    I am interested to know how you feel it is appropriate to talk about your sexual and emotional connections with married men who I am sure would not wish it to be broadcast abroad - especially when you use their name(s). While I applaud your commitment to return to a Christian life, some of your comments are way off base and offensive.

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    • At 2008.04.30 18:01, SelkieNo Gravatar said:

      well one, I’m not using their real names, which I explained earlier in my blog.

      Two, it’s my life, the good, bad and the ugly. Talking about my past, where I’ve been and what I’ve done, is what a blog is for, and helps me learn from my mistakes.

      If you, or others, are offended by it, you’re welcome to not read it anymore. You’re not my judge; God is.

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    • At 2008.04.30 19:18, kittenNo Gravatar said:

      as a pagan, i sometimes feel called to pray for those who are not of my same faith. candles lit, and the prayer said, with the addition, “i know this person isnt one of yours, please pass the message and intent on to their god.”

      no issues so far….although i have gotten the distinct impression of someone patting me on the head and saying “oh isnt that just CUTE.” :D

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      • At 2008.05.01 05:08, SelkieNo Gravatar said:

        Rofl!

        Well, you ARE cute!

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      • At 2008.04.30 21:12, BroceNo Gravatar said:

        Saying a prayer or lighting a candle is a lovely, lovely thing. I belong to an email list of women of all different faiths, from Islam to Christianity to Paganism and several others. We often ask the others to do their thing for us. The only prayers I don’t welcome are those asking for me to “see the light” and convert to whatever religion the petitioner belongs to.

        Though I admit I find it sweet as pie that my student keeps trying to find a way to get me into heaven without my converting. “I’m working on that. I don’t want to be alone up there, you know.” ;-)

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        • At 2008.05.01 05:14, SelkieNo Gravatar said:

          I always thought this Bible verse: “In my Father’s house there are many mansions: If it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And If I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you unto myself, that where I am there ye may be also. John 14:2-3″ was rather intriguing.

          Kinda sounds like there’s room for many there to me :)

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          • At 2008.05.01 08:54, BroceNo Gravatar said:

            Well a lot of Christians believe that statement about not being able to get “to the father” except through Jesus. It’s one of my sticking points, I have trouble with the idea of a deity who’d punish you not for what you DO or don’t do, but what you think. That’s always seemed very odd to me.

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            • At 2008.05.01 14:36, SelkieNo Gravatar said:

              well in many Chrisitan theologies (Catholic included) - Jesus *is* God. It’s part of the mystery of the Trinity. Kinda like…. Macha saying, if you can’t “grok” me, you can’t “grok” the Morrigu.

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              • At 2008.05.02 10:47, BroceNo Gravatar said:

                I can’t grok the trinity, hon. It’s one of the stumbling blocks for me. If Jesus was God, then he knew when he sent himself down here that he was going to be executed *and* resurrected, and that none of it was “real” so to speak. Jesus’s pain and suffering, his temptation in the desert…all of it was laid out ahead of time with Jesus knowing exactly how it would play out. That makes the whole thing a passion play and takes the meaning out of the story for me.

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                • At 2008.05.02 15:01, SelkieNo Gravatar said:

                  well, do you enjoy a favorite movie any less, if you’ve seen it before? Even though you know what’s going to happen, don’t you still go through the same emotions?

                  Part of the mysteries surrounding the trinity is that Jesus was *wholey* divine, AND *wholey* human. It’s not hard for a celt to understand something can be all of something, and neither, at the same time :D

                • At 2008.05.02 15:39, BroceNo Gravatar said:

                  Yes but…that makes it sound like a movie God made for himself to watch. Broce and mysteries dont mix well, never have.

                • At 2008.05.02 15:41, SelkieNo Gravatar said:

                  now your control issues are showing! lol

                • At 2008.05.02 15:43, BroceNo Gravatar said:

                  Well yes. As for the Celt thing, I already told you I’m not a very good pagan either.

                  Logic. If it doesnt work for me from a logical perspective, grokking it is damned near impossible without a seriously altered state of consciousness. More than mead could provide ;)

        • At 2008.05.01 05:14, SelkieNo Gravatar said:

          That being said, I DO think you’d make a Christian. No no, a GREAT Christian.

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          • At 2008.05.01 05:15, SelkieNo Gravatar said:

            *er, good Christian. LOL!

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            • At 2008.05.01 08:55, BroceNo Gravatar said:

              LOL Neither. I’m not even a particularly good pagan.

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