There’s been one gentleman that I have chatted online with, for years. Let’s call him… David.

David’s a pilot, and flies for one of the major airlines. David’s one of the sweetest, kinkiest, sexiest men I’ve had the pleasure to chat with. David’s Jewish, and also - very married.

Several months ago, that wouldn’t have made any difference to me. Now that I’m all Christian and trying to be good and converting to Catholicism and everything, David’s pulling his hair out.

“Sorry hon,” I told him. “You could have had me years ago, but ya threw me down. I already fell in love with another Jewish guy.”

“I know! I know! don’t rub it in,” says he.

That doesn’t mean he doesn’t keep trying to get into my skirt, on occasion. If I were to be completely honest, I would have to say that sure, a part of me does enjoy it. It is nice to be desired, after all.

But would I actually go further than just being flattered by it?

I don’t know the answer to that. I’d like to be able to say with no doubts “No, I wouldn’t actually consumate the relationship” but the truth of the matter is, that I am still a sinner,  will always be a sinner, and that temptation is still very much a part of life. I am learning better ways to avoid it, though.

I wonder a lot about relationships between men and women. Is it possible to just have a friendship, without it being all muddied up with sexual tension? I think - surely it is. Somewhere on some planet, in another dimension maybe.

Men have such amazing energy. There is such strength, truth and beauty in them, that they themselves seldom see. I don’t think they even realize how much women, (well, this woman at least) rely on them to be that pillar of strength. And what’s amazing still is  - they seem to be able to impart that to me.

I do miss having a “man around.” Just the smell of a man is enough to relax me, and in fact, when Stewart would go to the sandbox - I’d still smell him on my pillow, and that would be enough to help me go to sleep.

“Male energy” doesn’t have to be imparted by a lover, though. I have my male friends that I hang out with, too, and of course my brothers - even though I don’t get to see them as often as I would like. And if worse comes to worse, I do still have the candle Dennis gave me - in which he’s embedded some of his energy. It’s pretty potent though - I only light it when I reaaaaaly need it.

I tease David about “already fell in love with another Jewish man,” but the truth of the matter is - I’m still getting to know Jesus. God was easy to come back to. Mary welcomed me, literally, with open arms, in a dream.

Jesus?

Well. Jesus.

With Jesus, I kinda feel like a shy, zitty twelve year old, trying to impress the good-looking Captain of the football team. All that comes out, is blushing and stuttering. The problem is totally on my part. I get the distinct impression He’s almost amused by my discomfort, but is sitting, waiting patiently on me, all the same.

There is such strength, such truth, such beauty there, that I’m almost afraid to approach it. I am so not deserving. None of us are, really. And yet, there He is, offering it freely.

Eventually, I’ll get up the courage, and reach out my hand.