Ya know, being a pagan for those 13 years was not entirely a loss. During the harsh years I did learn a lot (oh NO! Not ANUDDER life lesson!) loved a lot and made a lot of wonderful friends.

I think it would be stupid to just throw those years away, without remembering the lessons that I learned from them. So here we go - a short synopsis of the lessons I learned as a pagan:

• I’ve learned that Christians really can be obnoxious when it comes to their religion. When you’re a Christian, you don’t even realize it, but when you’re a member of a minority religion, you’re just amazed at how often you are reminded that you are in the minority. Take the Ten Commandments, for instance. Yes, they are a wonderful set of laws, but they have no business in a court of law. This is a country of many religions, not one.

• Likewise, I was amazed to learn how often Christians try to put into law their own beliefs. Don’t get me wrong, I think it is wonderful to have beliefs, but as one good friar once said - the Good Book doesn’t say, “Go forth and legislate.”

• I’ve learned that magic really does work, whether you believe in it or not, and so you should pay very close attention to the old adage: be careful what you wish for, you might get it.

• I’ve learned that God is not always just in a church; God can be equally found in a sacred grove, with naked people dancing.

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So, I’m here trying to figure out what I can eat for breakfast that won’t make my ass the size of Texas.

And I wonder - since Catholics consider the Eucharist to be the true body of Christ, does that make the communion wafers, protein, not a carbohydrate? If so, I think Catholicism must the ideal religion for people watching their carb intake. Surely, Protestants must be fatter than Catholics. Well, maybe not, because they don’t take communion as often.

Another random thought: as pointed out to me by a dear, gentle reader, worrying too much about sin, is a sin itself - called scrupulosity.

Boy, if that doesn’t beat all. It’s a sin if you do it, it’s a sin if you think about doing it, and it’s a sin if you worry about sinning too much. It seems to me that there is a whole sin industry I didn’t know about. Boy, am I fucked.

And then I wonder - speaking of beating all - if spanking others is such a sin, then why do nuns do it? Just because I didn’t attend parochial schools doesn’t mean I don’t have friends that didn’t, you know. The sadism of some nuns is just legendary.

Eh - much to ponder this morning, as I drink my coffee and eat my high protein breakfast. Thank God coffee is still allowed on the Catholic Diet Plan.

My mother used to tell me - “Pneumonia is an old person’s best friend, because when nothing else will kill you - pneumonia, will.”

And, ironically enough, it was pneumonia that killed her; after living with COPD, and going through a round of chemo and radiation with lung cancer. When the second tumor appeared in her lungs, we knew she was done for.

I thought about that today, when I read this article on Yahoo! News - Who should MDs let die in a pandemic? Report offers answers. Go ahead; read it. I’ll be here when you come back.

Pretty scary stuff, isn’t it? Ok, well for those of you who didn’t go read it, it’s an article about a task force that got together, and came up with a proposal of who gets to live and who gets to die, in the event of a flu pandemic or some other disaster. The reasoning behind it is that there just wouldn’t be enough resources or staffing to handle the crisis, and a triage would need to be done to best utilize those resources we have available.

And who would be the ones the task force recommends to leave behind? “The very elderly, seriously hurt trauma victims, severely burned patients and those with severe dementia.”

I have mixed feelings, and some serious misgivings, about these recommendations.

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One thing I’ve never really understood, is why people lie about who they are, and what they believe. It’s a matter of living authentically to me. Why pretend to be someone you’re not? Lies always get caught up with you eventually. So when I was a pagan, from the very beginning even, I’ve been pretty much “out” at work and with people I know.

Some know more than others, obviously. How does the saying go? Meat for men, milk for babies. But everyone knew me as different, some saw me as just another root worker, some as a “new ager” - some as an out -and-out pagan. I’ve borrowed their popcorn maker for the Masquerade balls, read tarot cards for Halloween, and for some, would even bring them a lucky nickel or a money candle if they were going to Biloxi to play the slots.

Today, as I’m trying to finish up my charting, I overhear a couple of my co-workers discussing ghosts and spirits. They’d say something, then hush, turn to me, expecting me to say something, and I’d just bury my head in the chart. Newp. Not today.
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I love that cartoon; it cracks me up every time I see it. In fact, I crack up at most religious jokes. “I found Jesus - he was behind the sofa the whole time.” “Did you hear, Easter was cancelled? Yeah, they found the body.”

There’s a lot of things to laugh about, when you’re talking about God & religion. There are WHOLE websites devoted to religious humor - and I think that’s a great thing! People who are so serious about religion, all the time, scare me.

There was a joke going around last year that went like this:

Did you hear? The Pope has the bird flu!
-oh NO! Say it’s not so!
Yup. He got it from a Cardinal.

Now most of the Catholics I told that joke to, got it, and weren’t offended. Most went straight to the phone to call every other Catholic they knew, to tell that joke. But a couple were highly offended, and I guess that’s their perogative. I have to admit though, I watched a whole lot of the Pope during his visit to the States, and he seemed like a pretty cool guy to me. I bet he would have laughed at that joke!

I had a comedian tell me one time, that everything was fair game for a joke. Everything. Including things like child abuse, rape, murder. It’s needed most at times like that, said he.

I can’t agree with it, though, I just can’t. Some things are sacrosanct, and should be above being made fun of.

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… or are you just happy to see me?

So it’s Beltaine, and I’m missing the whole frolicing-nekkid- in-the-woods for the first time in many a year. Which would be a bit of a bummer, except for the fact that it was an absolutely gorgeous day today, and well, Jesus makes up for a whole lot of frolicing.

But I think I may have hit a snag in this whole “converting to Catholic” thing. Houston, we have a problem.

I was re-reading the book, “Catholicism for Dummies” last night, and I read this quote:

The Sixth Commandment forbids the actual, physical act of having immoral sexual activity, specifically adultery, which is sex with someone else’s spouse or a spouse cheating on their partner. But this commandment also includes fornication, which is sex between unmarried people, prostititution, pornography, homosexual activity, masterbation, group sex, rape, incest, pedophilia, bestiality, and necrophilia, and the Ninth Commandment forbids the intentional desire and longing for immoral sexuality.

Oh, NO, they did NOT just put adultery and masterbation on the same level as pedophilia, rape, incest and bestiality. WTF are they THINKING? I think everyone agrees those are bad things. But they’re not in the Ten Commandments.

And they want me to give up my vibrator? Are they fucking NUTS?

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A very happy Beltaine to those of my pagan friends who celebrate it! Remember gals and dolls, if you plan on dancing around May Poles today, to use a condom!

I think I’ll go out and collect a bit of morning dew; good for the complexion, doncha know. And God given, at that!

May is a wonky month for me. Not only is it my birth month (ugh, 47, I’m aching and creaking! but hey! I still have a great complexion) - there’s also Nurse’s Week, Mother’s Day, and my anniversary, which is the day before my birthday and always oh so ever delightful to remember. I plan on taking those two days off. I’m not fit to be around people on those days.

Eh - I’ll edit this post later to talk more about Beltaine. Right now - off to work!