Current Mood: Sad

Most of the time, I’m a pretty strong, independant woman, happy-go-lucky even. My life just bee-bops along, and there’s a light buzz to the day; buzz buzz, get up and get coffee, buzz buzz, go to work and play; buzz buzz, come home and chill, buzz buzz, hang out with friends.

But there’s one day out of the year when all that comes to a screeching halt, and I turn into a blubbering mass of angst, curled up into a fetal position, hidden away in a closet somewhere. Well, not literally, but it sure feels like that’s where I belong.

That day, is my wedding anniversary - May 21.

Had we stayed married, this year would have been our 25th. As it stands now, we’ll have been divorced 12 years.

You would think, after twelve years, I wouldn’t even remember it. But, it’s kind of a hard date to forget - it’s the day before my birthday. I got married when I was 21, on May 21st, the day before my 22nd birthday on May 22nd.

(Note to all those figuring out a date for a wedding - don’t choose one near your birthday. While it’s rather nifty while you’re married, should you ever divorce, it’s a constant reminder of a failed marriage, and just ruins your birthday forever and ever)

And you know, it’s not like I went into the marriage with rose-colored glasses on. In fact I was calmer than my bridesmaids - what’s the big deal? I told them. If it doesn’t work out, we’d just get a divorce, right? No biggie.

But yeah - it is a biggie.

I think everyone has romantic notions of what being married will be like. Boy, did I ever learn the hard way. The first year was absolutely horrendous, but it wasn’t his fault - it was absolutely mine. I was so young and so stupid, I’m surprised he stayed with me that first year.

But you know? Eventually, I calmed down, grew up, and things got into their own little groove. It was nice. Being married was hard work - probably the hardest relationship I’ve ever been in, but it was nice. I liked being married. It wasn’t a great romance, but it was comfortable.

The last three years came straight from hell, for both of us, and a divorce truly was the only way to save both of our sanities.

Still, there are times when I wish it didn’t have to be so. Even through it all, the boring parts, the happy parts, the hell parts, having lived through it all - I still have high expectations of what marriage should be like, which is probably why I’ve never remarried.

And yeah, I can see why the Church considers marriage a sacrament; it is, or should be, a holy union. Being married, should make both people, better people; it should be a path of higher enlightenment. It should do all these things, because it is such a hard path. You think living a celibate life is difficult? Try living with someone who farts in bed. Now there’s a challenge.

I don’t know that I’ll ever remarry; I don’t know that I’m that much of an optimist. I’d like to be. I’d like to believe that it is possible to overcome so many obstacles, and still love someone with all your heart and soul. One thing I do know, is it does take commitment from both parties, to be able to give it a snowball’s chance in Florida. Without that commitment, the relationship is doomed. One person can’t do it alone.

I know, I tried.