Knock-knock

Who’s there?

Jesus.

Jesus who?

(more cat pictures)

Yesterday was a bad day to be a mom.

You see, my daughter was SUPPOSED to graduate from FSU. She actually finished college a couple of months ago, but FSU has two summer sessions, and only one summer graduation. So even though she’s done with classes, has a J.O.B. even, she hadn’t done “the walk.”

She never really wanted to walk in the first place; but I really wanted her to. Consider it selfish, but yeah, I sacrificed a lot to help get her through college, and I wanted to see her in her cap and gown and get her diploma. So we made a deal; I would give her an extra month of allowance, would pay for the gown rental, buy her a new dress, pay for a new haircut, and she would walk the walk.

I was SO looking forward to it, too. I even bought myself a new dress. And it was to be a family celebration as well, her dad was going to take us all out for a nice lunch, after.

But something happened, and I got a phone call at 6:30 yesterday morning, and it was her,telling me she wasn’t going to walk.

She had gone out to eat the night before with her boyfriend, and got sick; threw up, even. Said she only got three hours of sleep the night before, was feeling better but just wasn’t feeling up to waiting around for three hours in a cap and gown to get her diploma.

I was bitterly, bitterly disappointed. I told her I understood, wished her to get better, but I didn’t really believe her, and I ended up crying about it all morning. I was hurt, and when I’m hurt, I cocoon. Doors locked, curtains closed and I huddle in my PJ’s under a quilt on the sofa.

My friends must have all felt a “disturbance in the Force” because I immediately started getting messages from them. “Do you want to go out for breakfast? Do you need me to come over?” “I’m taking the kids out to the dollar movie and for lunch. Can I take you?” No, no, thanks but no, I’m not suitable for human companionship right now.

And I wasn’t. My heart was breaking, I could literally feel it heavy in my chest. I even wondered - is this what a heart attack feels like? Hell, even my ex-HUSBAND called me to make sure I was alright. I wasn’t, he must have called my daughter, because she came to the house; wanted me to SEE that she had indeed been sick, even brought the gown so I could see that yes, she did intend to graduate, it just wasn’t meant to be.

I told her I believed her, forgave her, loved her, even hugged her, but after she left my heart was still heavy, up until I went to bed.

Then I prayed.

Lord, I still hold resentment in my heart to my daughter, and I know without Your help it isn’t going to go away. This rift won’t be healed. Pray for me, Mary, show me how to let this go, how to be a good Mother, so that things can be right between me and my daughter again. Amen.

And then I went to sleep.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

One of my favorite Bible verses is Matthew 7:7:

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”

My old church has a beautiful Tiffany stained glass window that depicts this verse. It’s a portrait of Jesus, knocking on the door, asking to be let in.

It’s particularly beautiful, because as the sun sets, the light dims gradually, so that all you see is the lantern. As the sun finally goes below the horizon, the lantern is “extinguished.” And as the sun rises in the morning, the first thing to “wake up” in the window, is the lantern. It gets brighter and brighter as the sun rises, eventually illuminating the whole church.

When I woke this morning, after such despair from the day before - I was just like the lantern. A small glimmer of hope awoke in me, and grew and grew until I was fully awake. It was then I realized, that my despair was gone, that I truly did forgive my daughter, and that everything was going to be OK.

All I had to do, was ask.

Ask, and you will be given.

Knock, and the door shall be opened.