Current Mood: Sad

well the crying’s over, and I’ve been spending a lot of time hugging on Rufus. He doesn’t mind, he’s an affection whore anyway. I swear I’ve never had a dog who was ALWAYS in such a good mood.

I loved Jenz, everyone who met Jenz loved Jenz. She had such a goofy sense of humor it was hard not to. We met many years ago in the “Ask a Witch” room on AOL and fell into friendship. Of course she did with most she met!

I knew her for probably 10 years online before I even met her. But you know, it didn’t really matter; a friend is a friend, online or in real life. I remember after my divorce, when things got really dark for me, Jenzi sensed that things were really really wrong and set up a three way call with me and another friend, and really just cheered me up. Took about an hour and a half, but it did.

The only time our friendship was ever really threatened was over stupid forum crap, when she was letting herself get swayed by some negative people, well, one in particular. I had made a comment that sometimes the greatest life lessons, come from being ill. She thought that was the most stupidest thing she’d ever heard, and really attacked me for it. You know while we were going through that, I kept thinking to myself - God, I hope she never has to find this lesson out, personally. Cuz you know the Universe works that way sometimes.

It took a good year of strained talks, for us to get over that, but eventually we did. At one point, she was bitching and complaining about how no one ever helped her around the house, her husband was being lazy, blah blah, and how she thought she’d be better off divorced, and I dissuaded her of that thought right quick-like. Just think Jenz, I said - you’d STILL have to do everything, but only have 40% of your income. Divorce was something I knew lots and lots about.

So she brought me back from the brink of despair, I helped bring her back from the brink of divorce. It’s what friends do for each other.

When she was diagnosed with throat cancer, I was reminded of the argument we had, and knew my worst fears had been realized. The Universe is a bitch sometimes, and it certainly was being a bitch to Jenzi. Of course I didn’t say anything, but I didn’t have to. Shortly after her diagnosis, she told me, “I know you’d never say ‘I told you so,’ so I’ll say it - you were right. You DO learn life lessons from being sick.”

It was hard reading and hearing about the struggles she went through during chemo and radiation. Really hard. But I was always upfront with her, told her what she could expect, talked frankly with her about death. I knew there weren’t that many people she COULD talk to about dying. And sometimes even through it all, her humor would show through. Like when she learned that the HPV virus that’s contracted through oral sex can cause throat cancer - she said to me “All this time I’ve been feeling guilty about getting throat cancer from SMOKING, and it turns out it might have been from all those BLOW JOBS I gave in college!”

After she finished her second round of chemo, I knew I had to go see her. So I used the excuse of the Loreena McKennitt concert in Boulder, and flew out there. As amazing as she was online, she was even more amazing in real life. She was still scrawny, 98 pounds, but she still had more energy than *I* did. And her family was just as amazing as she was. Her kids were wonderful, cheerful, bouncy. Her husband was the quiet one, and it was fun to watch them together. He was her exact opposite; quiet, reserved, Republican, and he obviously adored her. I’m glad she stayed with him.

And she LOVED her shelties. Jenzi got me hooked on “Dog Whisperer” and “The Tudors” while I was out there. I think we watched every episode, because she would get tired and frankly she wore ME out.

One of her biggest fears was that she’d be a “burden” to anyone. That’s why she deleted her live journal; she didn’t want that to be her last legacy to her friends, and she didn’t want us worrying about her. But when she told me she was going through her third round of chemo and radiation, I knew.

Of all the people who should have pulled through, who should have been in the 1% of people who survived throat cancer, it should have been Jenzi. But, she wasn’t.

And of all my pagan friends, she was the last one to find out about my conversion to Christianity. Not because she wasn’t important to me, but because I knew she had enough going on in her life, without the thought or worry that I might try to convert her. Her parents had been rabidly Christian, and left a poor taste in her mouth. But when I finally did tell her, she was kinda shocked at first I think, but then really was OK with it all. Just wanted to know if I was happy were I was, (extremely) wanted to make sure I wouldn’t try to convert her or pray over her (I reassured her) and she was cool with it. Even talked about it a bit, said she liked Saints, and said she’d have to hunt down some of her “saint books” and send them to me. That’s why I think she must have gone downhill, fast. As organized and efficient as she was, she would have got them out to me if she could.

She told me after her dear friend Mary died, that she didn’t “feel” her around anymore. Just felt - nothing. That bothered her a bit. And I have to admit, I haven’t “felt” anything about Jenzi - except for these past few days, when I found myself thinking of her a lot, and had been looking for her online. Last time I chatted with her on the phone, the reception was really bad from my cellphone, so we kept most of our conversations online. I knew with school starting, she’d be busy, and didn’t think much of her absence.

But going through my pagan stuff, I keep running across reminders of her and thinking of her. A “Judge Judy Justice candle.” A Dashboard Goddess of Parking.

*deep sigh*

So, now.

I don’t pray for Jenzi; she made it clear she didn’t want that. But I do have a candle burning for her in remembrance. A St. Lazarus one, one for the sick and the ill. I think she’d like that.

I love you, Jenzi. Thank you for being my friend.