Current Mood: Sad

well the crying’s over, and I’ve been spending a lot of time hugging on Rufus. He doesn’t mind, he’s an affection whore anyway. I swear I’ve never had a dog who was ALWAYS in such a good mood.

I loved Jenz, everyone who met Jenz loved Jenz. She had such a goofy sense of humor it was hard not to. We met many years ago in the “Ask a Witch” room on AOL and fell into friendship. Of course she did with most she met!

I knew her for probably 10 years online before I even met her. But you know, it didn’t really matter; a friend is a friend, online or in real life. I remember after my divorce, when things got really dark for me, Jenzi sensed that things were really really wrong and set up a three way call with me and another friend, and really just cheered me up. Took about an hour and a half, but it did.

The only time our friendship was ever really threatened was over stupid forum crap, when she was letting herself get swayed by some negative people, well, one in particular. I had made a comment that sometimes the greatest life lessons, come from being ill. She thought that was the most stupidest thing she’d ever heard, and really attacked me for it. You know while we were going through that, I kept thinking to myself - God, I hope she never has to find this lesson out, personally. Cuz you know the Universe works that way sometimes.

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Knock-knock

Who’s there?

Jesus.

Jesus who?

(more cat pictures)

Yesterday was a bad day to be a mom.

You see, my daughter was SUPPOSED to graduate from FSU. She actually finished college a couple of months ago, but FSU has two summer sessions, and only one summer graduation. So even though she’s done with classes, has a J.O.B. even, she hadn’t done “the walk.”

She never really wanted to walk in the first place; but I really wanted her to. Consider it selfish, but yeah, I sacrificed a lot to help get her through college, and I wanted to see her in her cap and gown and get her diploma. So we made a deal; I would give her an extra month of allowance, would pay for the gown rental, buy her a new dress, pay for a new haircut, and she would walk the walk.

I was SO looking forward to it, too. I even bought myself a new dress. And it was to be a family celebration as well, her dad was going to take us all out for a nice lunch, after.

But something happened, and I got a phone call at 6:30 yesterday morning, and it was her,telling me she wasn’t going to walk.
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So, you’re probably wondering, why I was so stupid to get involved with married men to begin with.

It’s simple. I love sex. Kinky sex, vanilla sex, it doesn’t matter, I think sex is one of the most sacred gifts God gave us, right after life itself. And I enjoy the hell out of it. Not in a “sexual addiction” way, kinda way, by the way. I can give it up when the need arises; heck I was celibate for two years after my divorce, and haven’t had sex this time around since the beginning of July.

I never intended to date married men. In fact I was quite vocal about not ever becoming involved with married men right after my divorce. Marraige was the hardest relationship I had ever been involved with, and I sure did not want to take any part in making anyone’s marraige any more difficult than it already was. And I didn’t become involved with any married men, for many years.

But a couple of the men I became involved with, who were “seperated,” lied to me, and as it turned out - they weren’t seperated at all, but still lived with their wives, fully married. And then I had a couple of very good, single prospects who drove me absolutely batshit crazy with their indecisiveness and assholey-ness. The last one got me so pissed off that I decided - ok - next man who contacts me, I’ll take on as a lover, just to treat HIM like crap.

Welcome to MM#1 - tom. But ya know, scheduling is a bear when you’re trying to meet up with a married man, and he knew my seeing him once every three months or so, just wasn’t going to do it for me, so he encouraged me to find another lover. Enter, MM#2. But even with MM#2, I still wasn’t getting sex any more frequently than every 6 weeks or so, so - enter MM#3. At least he was single when I first started chatting with him. He didn’t bother to tell me he’d gotten married before he slept with me, though.

I was finally getting enough sex, but it wasn’t deep down, emotionally satisfying sex.

Even so, even with the bad experiences I’ve had with the married men, and even tho I’ve converted back to Christianity, doesn’t mean that I’m still not tempted. And whoo boy, was I ever tempted.

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Current Mood: Sad

…. and sinned, and sinned, and sinned some more. Ya’ll just don’t know how good I am at sinning. Not yet, anyway.

Today has been a bad, bad day, a very emotionally draining day, and it’s all Dennis’ fault.

Dennis is my anam cara, and has been for sometime now - ever since I first started down the road to paganism, really. In addition to being a very gifted shaman, Dennis *almost* became a priest, after he graduated from a Jesuit college waaaay back when. He told them he wouldn’t be able to handle the celibacy, so didn’t take the vows.

After Dennis got my email announcement about my new weblog, he decided it’d be a good idea to call me yesterday and check up on me, making sure I thought I was doing The Right Thang, and to cackle over the prospect of me going to confession, since he knows everything about me. Something which, if it was someone else with my background, I’d find quite amusing, too, but since it’s ME we’re talking about, I’m near bout terrified.

See, I know what you’re thinking, ahhh priests they’ve heard it all before, but I can guarantee you that NO, they have NOT. You want to know who really hears it all? Mistresses, do. I know for a fact, some of my paramours have told me things they wouldn’t dare tell a priest, they haven’t told a priest, nor will they ever tell a priest. They sure told me, though.

And Lawd, Sweet Jesus, do I have some nasty stuff to confess. I hope I can find a priest with a healthy heart. It’s a good thing I know CPR.
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I received an email from my college sweetheart today, after he received my email telling him (again) of my conversion to Christianity. Funny how that happens; it’s happened a couple of times, actually. I’d tell someone I’ve converted, and it was like they didn’t even hear me. Tell them again a few months later, and it was news to them!

Sheesh. “Conversion” is such a strange word to describe changing your whole life around. It sounds like something you’d do to a car. “Honey, I’m taking the car in for a conversion, be back in an hour.”

ANYWAY. Among other things in the letter, he asked me “what was it about paganism that you feel is wrong?”

It’s not that I think paganism is wrong, per se. It was just wrong for me.

You know, every person on this planet, thinks THEY are right about what they believe. If they didn’t think they were right - they’d believe differently! We Christians think we’ve got it right, Muslims think they got it right, Jews think they got it right, Pagans think they got it right, right on down the line. The truth of the matter is, no one really knows. How could we? We’re not omnipotent. Maybe we’ve all got it wrong, or more mind-blowing still, maybe we’ve all got it right. I think the truth lies somewhere in between.

THAT BEING SAID, I can find a lot of fault with a lot of things revolving around Paganism itself. And it’s not just me, either. I’ve heard the same things said by pagans and pagan leaders. (more…)

You would have thought, when I converted back to Christianity, that my pagan friends thought I had lost my every-loving mind. “Why, why, oh WHY would you DO such a thing!??!” they said, lower lips quivering, wringing their hands, beating their chests, tears welling up in their eyes.

OK so no one actually SAID or DID any of that, but they sure were thinking about it.

To say that the news came as a shock to most people, would be an understatement. You see, I wasn’t just your run-of-the-mill, solitary pagan, who putzes around in her moon garden, talking to her 13 different cats and hanging out in AOL chat rooms.

Oh no. I was REDSELCHIE, a.ka. “Battle Red,” a.k.a. “Sunsette.” I was quite actively a pagan. I helped establish our local Red Hills Pagan Council, and served as it’s President for many years. I’d had my pagan website, Heartsease, up & online for over ten years. Hell I was a Pagan Prison Minister, and went to the largest faith-based prison in the world to teach the Holy Pagan Gospel According to Janet.

So, why, why, WHY, after all these years, would I decide that paganism just wasn’t for me, and it was time to convert back to Christianity? What was WRONG with me? (more…)