Current Mood: Happy

Earth Angel ¹

I guess my siblings and I were raised as somewhat unusal Protestants, in that we were raised with a belief in Guardian Angels.

To ward off the “boogie man” - and assorted other beasties that stalk children at night - our mother used to draw a picture of our “Guardian Angel” and tape it to the wall beside our bed at night. “See? there’s a picture of your guardian angel. Nothing is going to happen to you while she’s looking over you.” Many, many nights I’d fall asleep looking at that picture. When I became a mother, I used to do the same with my daughter.

When mom got lung cancer, and all her electrolytes went out of balance, she’d be talking out of her head, and she used to be afraid to fall asleep. So to help her, I drew a picture of her guardian angel too, and posted it by her bed at the hospital. It helped her, too.

In her last year she used to talk about her Guardian Angel, a lot. She said his name was “Sing” - well, it wasn’t really his name, that was just the name he gave her because humans couldn’t pronounce his name. She used to tell us all about the conversations she had with Sing, all the while, dad shaking his head behind his paper. We all just humored her, our mom had always been “weird” - this was just yet another way for our mother to express her weirdness. If it brought her peace - why not?

Recently I had an opportunity to go over her medical records. Our brother decided to file suit with the State of Florida with the Engle Trust Fund, against the tobacco companies, and I had to search through them to find references to her smoking before 1996. I found something very interesting in those records.

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Earthquakes in China. Cyclones in Burma. Wildfires in Florida. Tornados in the midwest. Explosions in Jaipur. War in the Middle East. Having a day off and watching CNN is enough to raise your blood pressure.

One thing that surprises me the most about converting to Christianity, is the sense of inner peace I have. It’s something that is associated most I think, with Buddhism; that sense of calm amidst a swirling chaos.

I’ve certainly had my fair share of chaos and disasters in my personal life; at times it’s been overwhelming. When you’re pagan, you search for so many ways to “fix it” - spells, talismans, feng shui’ing your living quarters, teas, astrology, divinations, cleansings, purifications, shieldings, wardings, anything and everything we can think to do to make things better.

But ya know what? most of the time - those things don’t really help at all. At most, they’re pallative bandaids, at worst, they make things worse.

Now I’m a self-admitted control freak; I enjoy being in control of a situation, I’m a natural leader, and I’m good at it. When I was pagan, I was always running around, tweaking this part of my life, diminishing this, promoting that. Since I’ve become a Christian? not so much!

The difference, I think, comes from the accepting of my submission to God.
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… and coffee, because I know that’s where my mom is, and she wouldn’t have gone if there wasn’t any. I can see her now, up there plotting and smoking and laughing at me!

I had a good mom. She raised all five of us while dad went to work; the only time she worked, was when I decided I wanted to go to a private school. And then, it was only part-time, and she made SURE she was always home when we were.

It would be nice if it was possible to do so these days, but sadly it’s next to impossible. With the cost of gas, you almost need a three income family - not a two!

One thing they don’t tell you when you become a mom, is how much guilt you feel over things - over just about everything. You put them to bed too early - you put them to bed too late. You buy them too much, you can’t buy them what they need. You feel guilty for getting a divorce, you feel guilty for staying and fighting all the time.

There’s not much “win” in being a mom. Being a mom (well, a PARENT) is a HARD job, and one we don’t ever really appreciate until we become parents ourselves.

And yet, there are those few choice moments, when it’s all worthwhile - when that crying baby, finally falls asleep, and feels so good nuzzled under your chin. When your teenager, laughs with you. When your adult daughter, tells you that you’ve always been a good mom, and offers to cook YOU dinner tonight.

What a wonderful feeling.

Happy Mother’s Day!

This is directed to “Helen” or “JamieLynn” or whatever you happen to be calling yourself, these days. All the rest of you can read along, for shits and giggles. “Helen” posted this comment, recently on my blog here “Who’s lm?” - in reference to a meme post I did on mydungeonspace.com., where I said I adored lm, and he adored me. When I asked her “huh? where do you see that?” she replied with:

First of all, I can pretty much tell you that God is not present in a group that is dancing around naked and doing things immorally. Nor does He bless coveting another woman’s husband which seemingly you have made a career of. Your viewpoint sadly is completely warped. Lastly, I’m not sure where you can claim to be Christian when you are actively involved in websites that are nothing to do with living a Christian life.

Now I don’t know where “Helen” is getting her information from, but it’s erroneous. She seems to think that “lm” is someone else - some married someone else, whom I assure you, is not the case. “Im” is an online friend of mine, who is single, and lives on another continent.

Helen, I want you to know I looked up your IP address, that I get everytime you post a comment or visit here, and ran it through our software on MDS. I know you’re the same woman who kept visiting my profile on MDS, the same time all this mess with MM#2, went down. Interestingly enough, the IP address also shows an address down in south florida, which is where MM#2’s “girlfriend” is from.

Following along with me so far? Good. Oh yes. We’re dealing with MM#2’s “girlfriend” here. Hi.

How ironic is it, that someone who will stalk me across the internet, has a PROFILE on MDS, harasses and insults me, who attempted to blackmail MM#2 and bullied him into near suicide - still has the balls to preach to me about not living a Christian life? Who feels she is smart enough to know WHERE God goes?

How hypocritical is it, that she condemns me for adultery, when she has done the same thing, herself? Even worse, because she was married herself! (more…)

One thing I’ve never really understood, is why people lie about who they are, and what they believe. It’s a matter of living authentically to me. Why pretend to be someone you’re not? Lies always get caught up with you eventually. So when I was a pagan, from the very beginning even, I’ve been pretty much “out” at work and with people I know.

Some know more than others, obviously. How does the saying go? Meat for men, milk for babies. But everyone knew me as different, some saw me as just another root worker, some as a “new ager” - some as an out -and-out pagan. I’ve borrowed their popcorn maker for the Masquerade balls, read tarot cards for Halloween, and for some, would even bring them a lucky nickel or a money candle if they were going to Biloxi to play the slots.

Today, as I’m trying to finish up my charting, I overhear a couple of my co-workers discussing ghosts and spirits. They’d say something, then hush, turn to me, expecting me to say something, and I’d just bury my head in the chart. Newp. Not today.
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A very happy Beltaine to those of my pagan friends who celebrate it! Remember gals and dolls, if you plan on dancing around May Poles today, to use a condom!

I think I’ll go out and collect a bit of morning dew; good for the complexion, doncha know. And God given, at that!

May is a wonky month for me. Not only is it my birth month (ugh, 47, I’m aching and creaking! but hey! I still have a great complexion) - there’s also Nurse’s Week, Mother’s Day, and my anniversary, which is the day before my birthday and always oh so ever delightful to remember. I plan on taking those two days off. I’m not fit to be around people on those days.

Eh - I’ll edit this post later to talk more about Beltaine. Right now - off to work!